The Blank PressEVERY DOG NEEDS A HOME
Hey Future Owner, my name is SAMMY – a mixed breed looking for a loving abode. I usually don’t bite, but occasionally slip up with guests. Please don’t hold it against me. However, I’ve noticed phrases like, “I’m SO sorry” seem to keep dinner parties in tact.
Hi there – I’m DUTCH. I love to play in fields, am very obedient, and can detect evil in even the best of people. So when you see me growling at Children’s Hospital volunteers, I’m not a scary motherfuckin’ dog – I’m just perceptive.
Name’s LUKE – I trust absolutely no one, but that’s all about to change once we walk out that door.
Adopt me – LUCY!!! I’m a mix between Doberman and German Shepherd. I may have a belated response to “NO!!!!!!!!!!”, “OUCH!!!!!”, and “DAMMIT, WHAT THE FUCK’S WRONG WITH YOUR DOG??!!” — but it’s nothing that some training classes can’t fix. I like to learn.
You there, hey psst – it’s me RUFFUS. Look, when the front desk says I’m about to be put to sleep because I killed a baby – that’s TOTAL BS. These people are liars, man. Forget about buying that golden retriever from a breeder. Just take me home now. I’m free!!! And you can feel good about rescuing me. I also heard the Mrs. is expecting. We’re gonna be such a happy family.
Kisses — I’m ROXY. Nice to meet you. I’m a Pit/Boxer mix, and just looking for a good home. Last month, I was in the backseat of my owner’s car. Very friendly people, but because I was viciously barking (about a dream I had) and attempting to sit in the driver’s seat, I unfortunately caused a brutal accident which killed them both. Luckily, I survived, a vet fixed me up, and am now in need a good home with new loving owners.
Hey, I’m JAKE . I’ve been rescued from the pound three times before, and always just in the nick of time. The pound owner always had a gun trained to my ear while screaming things like “How Could You Do That to an Innocent Child?”, and wouldn’t you know it, I’m always saved by a hip, cigarette-smoking 29-year old aspiring writer, wearing a fedora and unfriendly expression. Call me lucky, huh. Hey, ya know what — you look like you’ve got some good inner-angst to share with the world in written form. And is that a steno pad I see? I could sit under the coffee shop table as you write. And while you compose your misogynistic piece, I’ll do what I do to passerby. C’mon, let’s get out of here. Me and you.
Um, h-h-h-hi there. M-m-m-m my name is B-b-b-b-brownie. I am very, very, very shy, and-and-and-and constantly feel I’m under attack. I may not be very a good pet, will frequently bark at guests, and then scamper away after puncturing their skin, yet… I-I-I-I think a loving home would re-re-really make me trust again. Bu-bu-but what would true-tru-truly help is if you adopt 6 other dogs with my same condition.
Hi, I’m BARNEY, and I’m akin to the last stages of Old Yeller right now. However, when you introduce me to friends, you can say your doggie is like that sweetie pie Old Yeller dog… from the first 3/4 of the Disney classic.
Get me… the fuck… out of here! Why on earth do people keep adopting the above dogs?! I’m MOLLY and I will actually love you unconditionally. Be there for you when you need me. Cheer you up when you’re sad.
Molly’s full of shit. I’m PETER, and I come with a leash and squeaky toy.