AARON BILGRAD MOVIE AWARDS 2018

BEST MOVIE THAT IS ACTUALLY MSNBC’S FIRST MADE-FOR-TV MOVIE:  THE POST

The Donald Trump presidency has instigated a significant amount of positive civil engagement:  Massive women’s marches, hostility towards current government officials, teens across the nation demanding gun law reform, athletes protesting police brutality, etc.  All of these are effective forms of social action making an impact, and showing Trump and his administration that the nation is not going to stand for injustice anymore.  While these forms of social action are courageous, they are not nearly as brave as the Molotov cocktail that Steven Spielberg launched at Trump:  An allegory!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When Trump won, and proceeded to vomit on decency, many of us were moved to volunteer more time than we can afford to try and put an end to it.  And so did Spielberg – after hearing Trump denounce a reputable journalism outlet as “Fake News”, he got Tom Hanks on the phone and said,

Spielberg:  “Tom, we’ve gotta do something about Trump!”

Hanks:  “What are you thinking, Steve?”

Spielberg:  “I’ll tell you what I’m thinking – I’ve got a very boring script about nervous journalists opposing Nixon.  It’s kind of like what’s going on now.  And if we’re gonna stop Trump, we need to make this movie FAST!”

Hanks:  “Who will I play?”

Spielberg:  “The guy who runs The Washington Post.  He says a lot of witty stuff.”

Hanks:  “And this movie will make people realize that our country has dealt with journalistic censorship before?”

Spielberg:  “YES!  And do you have any idea who should play the strong late 50′s female lead role?  I can probably get anyone I want because I’m respected.  But who should it be??!!”  

Hanks:  “Are you sure people will get that it’s not just about The Washington Post in the 70s exposing the Nixon administration?  How are they gonna really know it’s similar to Trump?” 

Spielberg:  “Bup-bup, I’m way ahead of you… there is a part at the very end of the movie where Nixon is captured on tape talking about banning The Washington Post from the White House.  THIS IS JUST LIKE WHAT TRUMP SAID!  And THAT is when people will realize the freedom of the press matters now more than ever.  We can’t let Trump get away with all this stuff, Tom – we need to make this boring movie IMMEDIATELY!”

BEST REBOOTING OF THE ‘JUNO’ FRANCHISE:  LADY BIRD

I compare watching this movie to sitting in an electric chair of wit.  I usually don’t like “wit-fest” movies (i.e. movies where the lead is typically a fast-talking joke machine reacting to a lot of square people that make the lead feel misunderstood).  With most movies, I know in the first 5 minutes if the energy and tone of the movie works.  The first 5 minutes sets the universe for the film, and that gives me an idea of what reality I’m dealing with.  I’m open-minded and will go on any ride, but this 5 minutes really matter.  In this movie’s opening scene, the teenager Ladybird, played by a miscast Saoirse Ronan, is in a moving car arguing with her mother coming home from a college visit.   Well, Ladybird feels so agitated and misunderstood by her mother, she literally opens the car door, and throws herself out the vehicle on the highway.  This scene is player for humor.  The mother screams in horror, and the audience is supposed to laugh and be charmed by the audacity of Ladybird.  The music even insinuates that we are in a likable, quirky movie.   I will usually pardon that stuff, but it just didn’t make sense.  This is the stuff of movies like Hot Shots and National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1.   But in a film that is supposed to be set in a realistic world and hopes to have emotional impact, a character can’t throw themselves out of a car because their mom is annoying.  You would die.

While the movie made sure all the lines were as witty as possible – the movie had emotional logic issues.  Allow me a moment to harp on the small stuff, because months after seeing the movie, I’m still pretty raw about this one particular thing.  There is a very dramatic scene towards the end where Ladybird’s mother (well-acted by Laurie Metcalf, despite her character not making any sense) tells her daughter, Ladybird, that she won’t amount to anything; that Ladybird will never go to a good college.  Shortly after this scene, Ladybird reveals to her mother that she got into Columbia University, an Ivy League school, and her mother reacts apathetically out of anger, as if she is unimpressed – dismissing Ladybird.  Then, because their relationship is on the rocks, when her mother drops Ladybird off at the airport for college, she abruptly apathetically tells Ladybird ‘Have fun’ (or something lukewarm like this).  Ladybird is hurt, but still goes into the airport en route to the next phase of her life.  As Laurie Metcalf drives away, she realizes, despite their complicated relationship, that she will truly miss her daughter, and she turns around to go back to the airport to embrace Ladybird in a loving hug.  The scene is touchingly acted (good crying), and I think that worked for most of the audience and the Oscars academy, but it did not work for Aaron Bilgrad.  Didn’t she just a few scenes earlier tell Ladybird that she would never amount to anything.  Shouldn’t she be ecstatic and proud that her daughter got into Columbia?  What did I miss here?

BEST MOVIE THAT WOULD BE DEAD IN THE WATER WITHOUT ITS SUPPORTING CHARACTERS:  THE SHAPE OF WATER

The main character in this movie isn’t just boring… she is boring AND mute.  That’s tricky to pull off.  She falls in love with a chained-up sea monster that also doesn’t speak.  So they communicate about eating eggs in sign-language.  Perhaps Ladybird should have been the lead.

It’s tough to build a love story like this for 2 hours, so the movie hangs its hat on the supporting, and far more interesting characters — giving them a bulk of verbal weight.  Richard Jenkins’ lonely next-door-neighbor steals the show in this movie, justifying several scenes that don’t need to exist, but are definitely more fun to watch (e.g. his flirtatious desire to grow a relationship with a local diner owner).  Meanwhile, Octavia Spencer, the lead character’s janitorial buddy, takes care of the super nice joke-making friend (e.g. a lot of lines centered around “you better be careful with that creature, girl”).  But the villain, Michael Shannon, provides the most fun.  This guy can’t talk to anyone about anything without a cynical monologue. For example, when threatening someone, instead of just saying, “Tell me where the creature is or I’ll kill you!!!!”, Shannon attaches a biblical analogy to really hammer home (1) how much trouble they’re in, (2) how crazy he is.  Fills time, I suppose — anything to take screen time away from a mute and a gurgling sea creature bonding over eggs.

BEST MOVIE THAT IS APPARENTLY A STAGGERING WORK OF GENIUS AND A BRILLIANT COMMENTARY ON RACE RELATIONS, BUT IS ACTUALLY A CONVENTIONAL AND RATHER DULL HORROR MOVIE:  GET OUT

Alright, before I lay into this one, relax, I liked the movie and thought it was smart.  And yes, I got it.  Going into this movie, I was fully aware of its thematic undercurrent:  What it feels like to be African-American in a predominantly white society.  That’s actually rather creative and quite noble.  But that’s where the intrigue ends, and the ridiculous stuff begins, primarily a lot of the main character, Daniel Kaluuya, reacting to stuff.  From what I recall, there are flashbacks about hitting a deer, a lengthy hypnosis session (which I clearly saw how this applies to the overall theme, and how it’s an allegory of the experience, and makes for a great poster of a crying Daniel Kaluuya, but it’s also a pretty corny scene) strange moments played for horror where people literally sprint directly at the protagonist, and, most notably, a wonky overall plot to steal the brain-power of African-Americans (if I have this wrong, my apologies, but whatever it is, it felt off).  I certainly walked away from this movie super impressed by its intent, just not really blown away by its execution.  I actually enjoyed the satirical moments of this film that played into the original premise and conceit of the film, and again, I found those moments to be quite intelligent and a clever way to address an important message, but those moments were too few and far between.  I wish the writer/director, Jordan Peele, would have spent more time in the movie focusing on this original allegory premise.  Then he would be more deserving of the praise he’s receiving.   He should talk to Spielberg about how to properly drive home an allegory.

BEST MOVIE THAT I’M WILLING TO BET MY ENTIRE SAVINGS THAT LITERALLY NOBODY ON THE PLANET LIKED: THE SNOWMAN

This movie was so incredibly bad, and I don’t mean this in an arrogant “I’m too good for this movie” tone — I mean the movie functionally did not work.  The script made no sense and the director even said they didn’t even get a chance to film the whole movie.  So scenes were literally missing.  I had no idea what was happening or who was who the whole movie.  Michael Fassbender is a great actor, but even he was lifeless in this movie.  In one scene, a woman mounts him and tries to have sex, but he just lies on the floor at stares at her.  What a film!

The theater was completely empty, save for 2 other people — an enormous guy who probably plays linebacker for the Los Angeles Rams and his girlfriend.  I kept thinking, “There is no way they could be enjoying this lumbering piece of garbage that features many confusing scenes of seemingly corrupt Norwegian politicians”.  Then I realized… they were likely fooled by the advertising.  This movie was marketed like a thriller in the vein of the SAW franchise — with the billboard featuring a bloody snowman and the tagline, “Mister Police, you could have saved her, I gave you all the clues”.  But nobody gives any clues to anybody in this movie.  It’s truly false advertising.

This movie is so utterly incoherent, that I latched on to anything I could to make the time pass.  Since I couldn’t follow the plot at all, nor did I understand who any of the characters were (e.g. is that his wife or ex-wife or mistress or sister — I don’t know, they don’t really say), I would merely take cues from the emotion on character’s faces that “things had changed”.  If you held a gun to my face and forced me to explain the plot of The Snowman, I would be dead.

AND HERE ARE THE BEST MOVIES I SAW THIS YEAR IN DESCENDING ORDER: 

NOTE:  Because most of the movies hailed as profound this year were not (The Post, Get Out, The Shape Of Water, Lady Bird, Dunkirk, and while we’re at it, Wonder Woman) I found myself gravitating to more fun and entertaining movies, which I thought were quite fresh and imaginative this year.

8) THE BIG SICK
Not a perfect movie, but pretty funny in parts and its heart was in the right place.  Although I’m not sure I buy the absolute disdain Kumail’s Indian parents had about seeing their son happy with a white girl.  Seemed more like a convenient emotional plot device to make sure character’s had hurt feelings and needed to separate.   Don’t his parents have their own problems to worry about?  I thought they needed to chill out.

7) STEPHEN KING’S IT
Even though this movie was dysfunctional in so many ways, kudos to its scare scenes.  Some truly frightening and aesthetically fascinating moments in there.   My primary knock on this movie is what it took pride in:  staying true to the book.  The long-ass novel is a great thrill-ride, but it’s far from perfect.  Sometimes the movie jammed things from the book into the movie even though they didn’t make any sense (it’s not like the millennial target audience would have noticed).  I wish the filmmakers took more creative liberties with the story.  Just keep the Pennywise character, and simply use the book as a suggestion.

6) THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI
Another slightly disjointed film, but the overall concept worked, as did all of the acting.  For whatever minor flaws the movie had, I was happy to overlook them to enjoy the overall energy, tone, and acting in the film.  However, everything about the Woody Harrelson section of this film worked brilliantly.  

5) PHANTOM THREAD
While PT Anderson continues to move further away from what made me fall in love with his work, I still admire his creativity and artistic integrity.  Probably more than anyone, he’s willing to take risks, and with this film he made something that still has me thinking about its nuances.

4) THE INVITATION
Simple little thriller I saw on Netflix about a suspicious dinner party.  Fantastic pacing, legitimately suspenseful, and an ending that still freaks me out.  Clever film that shows what can be done with a low budget and a limited space.

3) THE GREATEST SHOWMAN
To be honest, as soon as I heard about this movie, I said “There is no way I’m seeing some cheesy movie about PT Barnum”.  This movie flopped when it first came out, but they didn’t market it correctly.  Soon it started to get buzz, and people urged me to see it.  This movie works perfectly for what it is — an entertaining ball of cotton candy.  The music is absolutely fantastic, and all the musical scenes in the film are an incredible spectacle.  I’m even going to see it again tomorrow — it’s definitely one you should catch in the theater.  This movie being on this list is a true March Madness underdog victory.

2) I, TONYA
I thought this was a clever take on a biopic — making us sympathize with someone who has been a pop cultural villain and punchline her whole life.  Margot Robbie should definitely win the Best Actress Oscar, and some of the ice skating scenes in this film are truly electric and 100x more fun than any visual spectacle I saw in that Star Wars thing that came out last year.

1) COCO
This is a first for me — selecting an animated movie as the best movie of the year.  But… it was.  Coco has everything I hope for in a movie — a creative concept, a solid and thoughtful execution of that creative concept, strong characterization, sharp writing, and, most notably, a heart that makes you actually care what’s going on and how things turn out.  I have never seen any film tackle the concept that Coco deals with — a fresh take on how to cope with the death of a loved one.  This movie worked on every cylinder, and if the Oscars can nominate 8 movies for Best Picture — they could squeeze in another.

To read Aaron Bilgrad Movie Awards from past years, Click HERE